Posts tagged with grief:

I suppose I could have just written my thoughts down with pen and paper, but in 2008 when our grief counselor suggested I start journaling, I chose to do it through a blog.  Part of me wanted to offer a glimpse of hope to another mother that was walking through a similar journey, so she could see she wasn’t alone, but mostly it was because I was so tired of being misunderstood. The truth of the matter is that we live in a world where it’s more socially acceptable to openly discuss the sexual escapades of celebrities and political figures than it is to talk about loss.  This fact is maddening to me, and so I guess I thought that if I offered a peak into my own life after loss that maybe I could change that a little.  I don’t want to be the face of grief, nor do I want my life defined by it, but I do want the world to realize that it’s not something to fear.  I guess I also just want people to know that when God’s leading the way, grief doesn’t always look the way you might expect it to.  Sometimes it looks just like me.

I suppose I could have just written my thoughts down with pen and paper, but in 2008 when our grief counselor suggested I start journaling, I chose to do it through a blog.  Part of me wanted to offer a glimpse of hope to another mother that was walking through a similar journey, so she could see she wasn’t alone, but mostly it was because I was so tired of being misunderstood.

The truth of the matter is that we live in a world where it’s more socially acceptable to openly discuss the sexual escapades of celebrities and political figures than it is to talk about loss.  This fact is maddening to me, and so I guess I thought that if I offered a peak into my own life after loss that maybe I could change that a little.  I don’t want to be the face of grief, nor do I want my life defined by it, but I do want the world to realize that it’s not something to fear.  I guess I also just want people to know that when God’s leading the way, grief doesn’t always look the way you might expect it to.  Sometimes it looks just like me.

  • qComments

Stand Still and See

image
I never sugar coat the things that I share. I just don’t think that does anyone any good, so I’m going to give it to you straight.  I’m having a hard time right now.  I suspect it has to do with all the celebrating that’s been going on around here.  I know that sounds like crazy talk, but I promise that it’s not.  I tend to feel the absence of Samuel’s presence the most during times of celebration.  With all four of our birthday’s, our wedding anniversary, & Easter falling within six weeks of each other, it’s always a little bit of a challenge for me.  But let’s face it, I’m not new to this program.  Samuel moved in with Jesus almost 5 years ago, so I figured I had this grief thing down to a science.

Apparently not.

I had forgotten that grief isn’t something that ever leaves you, but instead just goes into remission until something triggers its release.  For me, just recently, that trigger was Piper turning three.  Not because I’m sad she’s growing up, but because she’s now the very age that Henry was when I was pregnant with Samuel, when he was born, and when he passed away.

When Henry was was three, he couldn’t wait for his baby brother to be born.  When he was three, he held him in his arms and told him all the things they’d do together.  When he was three, I had to tell him that his brother wasn’t coming home with us again.  When he was three he had to say goodbye to his brother.

It feels a little like a cruel and unusual punishment to have to relive it all again, but I’ll do it because I know the beauty that God will make from it.  I know that He will walk with me now, just as He has before, and that in time He will once again fill my heart with hope & light.

In the meantime, I’m going to take it easy so I can follow His lead.  I’m going to give myself space and time to walk this part of my journey.  I’m going to talk about my grief with a licensed counselor.  And, I’m going live in the moment so that the past can’t swallow me up.

Now then, stand still and see this great thing the LORD is about to do before your eyes! 1 Samuel 12:16

  • qComments

The Truth of the Matter

I’m sitting at the dining room table
and trying my best to turn my day around.
I’m in a funk today and desperately need the cloud of
sadness and grief to remove itself from my airspace.
DSC_0044
Some days are like that.
Even for me.
The truth of the matter is that seeing the lovely side
of life is a choice and it takes work.
Some days more than others.
DSC_0049
The truth of the matter is that all the work we’ve been
doing on our home is because we’re in a new place in our life.
The life we were given after losing Samuel, and we need
our environment to reflect that.
In the early months after Samuel died we met with our
hospice grief counselor every two weeks.  During one of those
visits he brought with him a book about the first year of loss.
That book told us what we could expect to experience through the
different stages of grief during that first year.  It also included advice
on things we could do along the way to nurture ourselves.

One of those things was to change your environment.
I attached myself to that notion because it made perfect sense to me.
My home had become my cocoon and I needed it to reflect the
way our family felt then, not three years ago when we had painted
it.  So, bit by bit we set about painting rooms and trying to
create a space that felt like home to us.
DSC_0061

Then a few months ago, Scott and I realized it was time

to do it again.  Our house no longer reflected the people that
lived in it and we felt that it was holding us back from the
new phase we were headed into.

Updating our home to reflect who we are now has been
exciting and energizing, but at the same time it’s been difficult
because it’s another reminder of why we are making changes.
The truth of the matter is that as a result of all this,
I miss my boy so much today that
just typing those words makes water shoot from my eyes. 
Add to that the reminder of the impact hospice had on our life
and it makes my heart fill with sadness for the many mommas that
won’t get to use a grief counselor after their child dies.  It makes
my heart ache when I think of all the moms that have to walk this
path without the guidance of someone telling them that what they are
feeling and going through is healthy, and is progress towards the future.
Because it certainly doesn’t feel like that when your in the midst of it.
DSC_0043

When my heart swells like this, and I begin to feel

helpless, the only think I know to do is pray.
Because I know it works.
So, today I’ll be praying for all the mommas that have lost a child
and didn’t/won’t get to experience the guidance that comes
from a professional letting them know that they are on the right path.
I’ll be praying that God fills their hearts with the confidence to know
that it’s not a shallow thing to want to change their environment to reflect
their new life, and it certainly doesn’t mean they are trying to pretend that
they aren’t grieving or experiencing the deepest sadness a person can feel.
And I’ll trust, that after a little while, God will fill my heart
with the confidence to know that my life is still lovely, and will
continue to be lovely, all because my boy is part of it.


  • qComments

Doing the Happy Dance

I just realized that the most wonderful thing has been happening this
week.  Let me explain.  I have it on good authority, otherwise known
as the hours and hours of therapy I’ve logged, that I’m not alone in
the experience of recalling every little thing that happened between the
birth and the passing of my wee one.  Each year, between Samuel’s birthday
on August 15 and his leaving us date on September 27, I struggle with
fighting off the daily reminders about the trauma that surrounded him
on each day of his life.  For example, “this is the day they whisked
him into the PICU by taking him right out of my arms.”  “this is the
day 15 support staff members walked into his room to tell us that they
were shocked to learn that his MRI showed massive brain damage.”
“this is the day they finally allowed us to take him to hospice, and for
the first time in 4 weeks I was able to change his diaper.”
I could keep going, but I think you get the idea.

1282235372314

Well, this week those thoughts have not taken over my mind, not even
once.  That’s what you call progress.  Honest to goodness, hard earned 
progress.  That means that I’m winning this part of the battle.  I know it’s 
only been a week, and I have 5 more to go, but I’ll take victories where 
I can get them.  The memories of the traumatic events that surrounded 
Samuel’s days on this Earth aren’t forgotten, and you know, I never want
them to be.  They’re part of his story, our story, and a big part of what
has shaped me into the person I am today.  But I feel like doing the
happy dance now that I realized I can think of my child, especially
during this delicate time, and feel his presence in my life and the life
of our family instead of those events.1282235399058
Have a happy weekend!
+Heather


  • qComments

Listening

    Listen.
    That’s the word I chose,
    and that’s what I’ve been doing.
   Listening.
  Listening to my heart.
    Maybe it’s because of the new year,
    but my heart has been asking me over and over…
   Do you know who you are?
    After losing Samuel everything had to start anew.
    It was the only way to be able to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
    Being able to begin each day with a little glimmer of hope in my heart
    was one of the gifts God gave to me after losing Samuel,
    and it’s been the key to my survival.
    I know that I will never be the same person I was before August 15,
    and I don’t want to be.  My soul has changed for the better,
    but now I have to make sense of a life without struggling for survival.
    I feel like I’ve stood through this amazing storm,
    watched it calm, and now get to rebuild,
    only I’m not exactly sure what that looks like.
    Please don’t misunderstand…
    I know that I’m a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, Believer.
    It’s the other things that I’m listening to my heart to figure out.
    Where do I fit in?  Do I need to fit in?
    How do I take all that I’ve seen, felt, know and turn it into a life that reflects me, us, Him. 
    This past Sunday I heard part of the answer.
    Our Pastor was talking about how God created each of us with minds to make
    choices and within those choices you get to decide what kind of person you are going to be.
Before you can really decide though, you must first decide what kind of person God
    wants you to be.  From there you will see the rest will fall into place.
 
    So I’m going to keep listening to my heart,
    and asking God what kind of person He wants me to be.
    You know…
    I already feel it starting to fall into place.
    What about you?
    Loss or not,
    I think this is something that we all deal with from time to time.
    Do you know who you are?
   Are you the person you want to be?

  • qComments