This sweet little girl, the one that likes to wear fairy outfits over her

nubby footed jammies, is bringing me to tears…and not in a good way.

Even though she won’t turn two for another month and a half,

she has started exercising her right to use the word NO all.the.time, and

in the process has single handedly turned meal time into a nightmare.

I know this is a stage and that it will pass, so I continue to tow the line of

teaching her what she can and cannot do, but until then it’s making me feel

a little more like a monster than a mother.  While I know in reality that I’m

not actually the worst mother ever (or the best by any means!), that’s the way

I’m left feeling in situations like these.  And if blogging has taught me anything

it’s that if I’m experiencing it, then chances are another mother is, too.

Every family has stories like these, it’s just that some choose to keep them

hidden so they can present a perfect picture.  For me, the idea of hiding behind

a veil of unattainable perfection feels like a jail sentence, and since I figure I

have enough to deal with in this earthly life I’m choosing to embrace my

crumpled up mess of a life. I’m choosing to LOVE it, tears and all.

It’s been my experience that knowing you’re not the only one living an
imperfect life helps to makes this world a much more lovely place,
so if your embracing your messy life then leave a comment with
one of your imperfect stories.  Share with us about how your kids brought
you to tears or made you lose a little hair so we can walk this life together.

Last year was the first year I picked a word to guide me, and it

ended up being an awesome way to experience all 365 of those days.

My word for 2010 was listen and it very quickly became a

touchstone for me; like my own personal mantra.  It helped me to

hear my family in a new way, to hear God when He was talking to

me, and to hear my own heart so I could be true to myself.

There were plenty of times I thought I knew better and didn’t listen

very well, but even in those situations my word eventually came

through.  It gave me the courage I needed to take my life in a

new direction, and it helped me to see the importance of saying no.

After having such a great experience last year I knew I needed to do

it again, and in mid-December started thinking about which word to choose.

There were many contenders…hope, peace, live, be, accept, free, grow.

As it turns out though, the one word that kept creeping into my mind, the

very same word I fought each time I thought it, became the one that I chose.

There’s no doubt that this word chose me this year.  I fought

against it.  I mean come on…love?  I already have love in my life

so what could I possibly gain from this word as my guide.

And then I realized what it was trying to tell me.  What God was

trying to tell me.  He wants me to not only accept my life as it is on

this Earth, but to love it.  He wants me to love that my life doesn’t
look the way I had planned, so that my heart can let go of what it’s still
hanging onto.  He wants me to love the broken and crumpled up parts
of myself so that I can love myself and the world without hesitation.  He
wants me to love the person in front of me, even if it’s a person that’s
afraid of me and my loss.  He wants me to love like Him.

So there you have it.  Love.  My word for 2011.

I’m excited to see where it leads me, and kinda terrified, too.

I’m pretty sure that sweet and innocent little four letter

word is going to rock my world.

What about you.

Did you pick a word for the new year?

It seems that I completely neglected to listen
when it came to figuring things out for this guy to go to kindergarten.

We live in a lovely neighborhood,

but the school in our district is not one that we want Henry to attend.

Because of this we set out to find a school that would be 

a great fit for him and our family.

  Like most moms, I don’t want to make the
wrong decision for my child, but what I finally figured out
was that for me there’s more to the story.

After Samuel died I watched the deep sadness

and grief that Henry had to make his way through.

I felt completely helpless because there was nothing
I could do to take away his pain.

What hurt the most was knowing that it wasn’t just
the pain and confusion from losing Samuel that he had to deal with.
I knew he was also trying to process everything that he had just been through.
You see, during Samuel’s six weeks there was a lot of uncertainty
and it ended up keeping Scott and I separated from
Henry for just about the whole time. 

On more then one occasion Henry woke from his nap to
find my mom waiting for him instead of me,
  because we had to rush the baby to the doctor or the hospital.

He lived with my parents for weeks while Samuel was in the hospital.

When I would talk to him on the phone he would ask me how much longer
until we could all go home.  I couldn’t answer him because I didn’t know.

After seeing him go through so much trauma and heartache,
I couldn’t bear the idea of creating more pain for him by making
the wrong choice and sending him to a school that would make his life difficult.

I prayed about it and asked God for guidance,
but I was too busy paying attention to my fears to hear His answers.

Even though I was still full of worry, the time had come to choose a school and register.

We enrolled Henry in a great school and I was slowly trying to make peace
with the anxiety that had become a permanent fixture in my mind.

Then we were handed a change of plans.

Because of transportation issues we needed to enroll Henry 

in a different school, one that we didn’t know much about beyond 

the fact that it was excellent.  We could still make the other school work,

but it would be pretty difficult for us now.

I knew the chances of getting in would be slim to none, 

but went ahead and made the request.

We received a letter in the mail letting us know that he was put 

on a wait list.  Then a few weeks later I called the school and learned 

that his name was pretty far down the list so the chances of

Henry being able to attend kindergarten at that school were just 

about impossible.  Our best bet was to muddle through this year and 

try to get him in next year for first grade.

My heart was hurting.

I feared the pain I was so desperately trying to avoid was inevitable.

 By this time I felt so overwhelmed I gave up.

I asked God to take this away from me.

I flat out asked him to send us where He wanted us to be, 

not just for Henry but for our whole family.

And do you know what He did?

He took the anxiety and fears away,

and for the first time in almost a year I felt 

at peace with the whole situation.

Last week we got the call letting us know that Henry had gotten in.
He starts school on Tuesday and we get to meet his teacher tonight.

 So, while I still have the regular old mommy issues of sending my
first born off to school, my heart is at peace and
I feel excited for the adventure that He has set us on.

In the days after losing Samuel I felt raw and vulnerable,

which made leaving the house a production in itself.

Besides the fact that it required I get dressed and comb my hair,
it also meant I would need to put on my imaginary suit of armor so I could leave
the safety of my home, and enter into the world that had no idea
my child had been born, lived for 6 whole weeks, and died.

When I was out I would keep to myself, take care of my business, and hurry home.

The thing is though, no matter how much I tried to keep my head down and keep to myself,

I was always met with some type of kind gesture.

A cashier saying something offbeat and kind.  Another shopper offering to help me with something.

A smile from a stranger.  Were these things there all along?  Had I just missed them?

Those simple acts of kindness changed me.

They made life a bit easier for me.
They made me feel less alone.

They helped me to realize that the world could still be a beautiful place,
even though Samuel couldn’t be a part of it.
They gave me hope.
In all the days that have come and gone since losing Samuel,

I still hold onto that kindness.
I try to share it, even on the days I’d rather keep my head down.
Then I came across this post and it caught my attention immediately.
I began reading each and every word, really listening to what they were saying.

Trying really isn’t enough.  Kindness is something that has to be part of who I am,
especially because I know first hand how important it can be.
So I’ve decided to take on the 90 Days of Kindness Challenge.


My hope is that after spending 3 months focusing on keeping kindness
first in my heart I will be able to change my thinking from trying to doing.
I want to be part of making the world a better place for someone else,
and maybe along the way making it even more beautiful for me.

What about you?
Do you want to help fill the world with simple acts of kindness?